Sayings

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we need to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why - so is mankind.

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting money.

Whether they ever find life on Jupiter or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If you go flying back in time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

I wonder if you were to put minute rice in a microwave, if you would go back in time?

If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because, man, that would really freak you out.

If you're an ant, and you 're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or "Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

Instead of raising your hand in class to ask a question, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then, all the teacher has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who's asking the question.

If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes color.

You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking milk, I bet it makes milk shoot out your nose.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?

Let's say you just drove your car off of a cliff, and while your in midair, you try the breaks. Wouldn't it be funny if you thought, "Hey, better try the emergency breaks!"

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than a dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go' "Hey, I'm Vine Man."

I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how all of the children would laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.

If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.

If I were a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash me, ick! I'd be all over their lip.

A QUIZ: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer: Me.)

To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for their surrender.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out his Adam's apple.

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?

It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the phone and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What?! What?!" I would yell back, but he never did speak English.

Just think, if sponges didn't grow in the ocean - how deep the ocean would be!

The next time you get a new phone - the first thing you should do is press redial.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not a lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just eating and trampling everything they see.

Here's a good joke to do in an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge in the Olympics. Then, if somebody sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

It would be fun to go back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the domination of our solar system.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it would be like ambition.

Any person in the right situation is capable of killing. But not every person is capable of being a good camper. So, killing and camping are not quite as similar as you might think.

Anytime I see something screech across the room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I just have to laugh, because - what is that thing?

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face would burn up.

Dad always thought that laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of infection.

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.

I think the monkey at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

I wish I had kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat as much.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy-- something like that.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how much we take it for granted.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when we go on them, I think we should assume sort of a walking shape so as to not frighten dogs.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

If you're ever stuck in undergrowth, and you're in your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though, it's Hambone.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the teacher pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

In weight lifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

Instead of having answers on a math test, they should just call them impressions, and if you got a different impression, so what, can't we all be brothers?

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the world of Invisible Scary Skeletons.

It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no!" I said, "Disneyland burned down!" He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive to the real Disneyland, but it was getting late.

One thing that makes me believe in UFO's is, sometimes I lose stuff.

Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is, is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just have to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

The difference between a boy and a man is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up and become a giant monster fireman.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I"ll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.

If you ever fall off a tall building, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him that because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he would eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over to the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

When I heard that trees grow a new ring for each year they live, I thought we humans are kind of like that: We grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.

Laurie got offended when I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

If you are in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

A person does not automatically get my respect, they have to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me three wishes.

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot.

If you ever get insanely angry, for heaven's sake don't shoot anyone, like some people do. Instead try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised!

You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more that a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seems that way.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.

I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.

I think Superman and Santa Clause are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but WE'VE GOT TO TRY SOMETHING!!

Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

Instead of a trap door, how about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people like I am now.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was to call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would make you really mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

You know what's a good thing to hang on your porch in the summer time, to keep the mosquitos away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time, people are going to get out of your way.

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

Instead of putting a quarter under a kids pillow, how about a pine cone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save our national forests.

If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black and white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella."

Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the table. Also, it can be used to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a kind of strainer, where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in the pancake somehow.

The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"

I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet would go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise it makes no sense.

If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo! I'd have all my money back!

You know what makes good hair for a snowman? Real hair. Don't ask me why, but it works.

One way I think you can tell if you have a curse on you is if you open a box of toothpicks and they all fly up and stick you in the face.

I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horned helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye-pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings.

Here's a suggestion for a new animal, something that stings you, then laughs at you.

If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How are you supposed to carry THAT?

You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.

If I lived back in the olden days, and the doctor put leeches on me, I'd tell him to put them on my face, in the shape of a beard, so I could see how I'd look.

Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.

If you made ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look inside, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.

I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?

After stealing the idea and style of Jack Handy, I wrote a few myself:

Sometimes when I answer the phone I say "Hullo" instead of "Hello", but nobody seems to laugh, they just keep on talking. Then I yell, "Hullo! Don't you get it? Hullo!" Then sometimes I yell, "Snacks for everyone!"

It's fun to make people mad, then look at their eyebrows.

Burning ants with a magnifying glass shouldn't be a crime, unless they are nice little helper ants.

It is handy to always carry around fingernail clippers, because if someone asks you if you have a safety pin or a pencil, you can say, "No, but I have these fingernail clippers."

It must be nice to play the trumpet. Then, anytime someone asks you to do something you don't want to do, you could say, "Sorry, gotta empty my spit valve."

I have found that on hot days, standing naked in front of an open freezer is quite refreshing, unless you're at a formal dinner party.

Imagine a world where there is no war or crime, and imagine that all people could love and accept one another. Then imagine me kicking your butt.

It is amazing how much a horse and a tricycle have in common. For instance, they both have handlebars, except for the horse.

Imagine a world where people were all the same color. What would we use then to separate and discriminate? I think it would be if people had really long giraffe necks. What a bunch of freaks!

I think a neat instrument would be a large finely crafted wooden box with various lengths of wire inside. Then these wires would be struck by tiny hammer like objects when a person pushes the appropriate levers, or "keys". These keys are arranged neatly in a row on the outside of the wooden box, and some are painted black while others are painted white. Oh, and did I mention it would have a spit valve?